Sad But True

Paving The Road To Failure

The new issue of Time magazine features Obama on the cover decked out in the trappings of FDR.

This image would accurately capture the moment, (1) if Obama had actually accomplished something, and (2) if Franklin Roosevelt’s economic program had really ended the Great Depression.

Stupid Retard Of The Day

Even though friends, family and bank officials warned her she was being swindled, an Oregon woman is out $400,000 after falling for the old Nigerian Internet scam.

Bottoms Up

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Melanie Nunes of Brazil, winner of the Best Bottom Contest.

And deservedly so, might I add.

I Got Your Second Amendment Ban Right Here

Have you ever wanted to build your own bazooka? Well, now you can.

Obama To Ratchet Up Hunt For Bin Laden

And if he catches him, he’ll more than likely thank him and appoint him Secretary of State.

Fear Not, For The Future Is Bright

Karl Rove offers a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dismal world.

A Funny Thing Happened On Election Day

I'll accept the results of the presidential election, if you anti-Proposition 8 die-hards in California accept the results of that vote.

Earth to protestors, most Americans oppose gay marriage.

Thou Shalt Not Worship False Idols

Were Barack Obama a mom of five from Alaska with a Fargo accent, long ago we would have learned the candidate was a weird sort of Chicago law professor who never wrote a scholarly essay, a strange sort of Harvard Law Review editor who never published a legal article, and not all that deep a thinker who thought inflating air tires negated the need to look for more oil.

Quit the smug moralizing that we have somehow proved to the world and ourselves that we are now finally worthy and deserving of adulation, as if wisdom and morality were always only an easy punch of the ballot away.

The Incredible Shrinking Margin Of Victory

Al Franken is a retarded-looking, un-funny dickface, and the Democrats are a bunch of fucking thieves.

The Hypocrisy Of Liberalism

Liberal Democrats are going to wake up from their sadomasochistic, anti-Palin orgy with a very big hangover. A shocking level of irrational emotionalism and at times infantile rage was exposed at the heart of current Democratic ideology, contradicting Democratic core principles of compassion, tolerance and independent thought.

This article should be required reading for idiots on both sides of the aisles.

Bush Lied, Conservatism Died

Is George W. Bush a conservative? For some liberals, this is clearly their tactic. Bush is unpopular, so they hope to discredit conservatism by marrying it to Bush, just as Barack Obama succeeded by painting John McCain as a Bush clone. Conservatives, right or wrong, rallied to support their president, particularly in the face of shrill partisan attacks from Democrats who seemed more interested in tearing down the Commander-in-Chief than winning a war.

But the Bush chapter is closing, and the fight to write the next one has begun.

You Think It’s Bad Now, Just Wait Until The Dems Get Their Hands On It

When I first heard that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi supported the American autoworker, I thought that perhaps liberals had begun to see the err of their ways.

But then I quickly realized that, as evidenced by Marxist Thomas Friedman, what the Democrats really want is to take full control of the auto industry, furthering their dream of suppressing capitalism.

If It Were Easy, Girls Could Do It

Who better to serve as Obama’s Attorney General then some dumb cunt who can stake claim to having had a hand in both America’s greatest financial disaster as well as our nation’s greatest security disaster?

It makes perfect sense that she'd join forces with the man who will undoubtedly prove to be this country’s greatest presidential disaster.

What Will They Think Of Next?

A New York doctor has introduced the UroClub, a mobile urinal in the shape of a club that fits in any golf bag.

As if golf wasn’t bad enough to begin with, now I’m supposed to carry around a big tube of piss with me?

When Homos Attack

Behold as some very tolerant and understanding homosexuals attack an elderly woman, ripping a Crucifix from her hand before smashing it on the ground.

I wish I had a special suit that would protect me from their AIDS blood, so I could kick their little faggot asses and remind them that this country was built on Christianity, not homosexuality.

Nice Job, Assholes

It seems as though the market likes Obama about as much as I do. But what the hell do I know? In his defense, he never did claim that this “change” of his would necessarily be a good thing.

Thanks again, to those of you who voted for him.

We Blew It

Liberalism had been running wild in the nation since the Great Depression. At the end of the Carter administration we had it cornered in one of its dreadful low-income housing projects, we held the gun in our hand, pointed it, and didn't pull the trigger.

Unfit For Command

This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about how folks in the military feel about their new Commander-in-Chief.

Sadly, the feeling is mutual.

Surf’s Up

Check out this crazy fucker riding a 41-foot wave off of Cortez Bank, California.

All The Secrets Fit To Print

Thank goodness. I was worried that, under a Democratic administration, the New York Times would stop printing our classified, national secrets for all to see.

I’m happy to announce, thankfully, that does not appear to be the case.

On The Wagon

Having been arrested for urinating on a crowd over the weekend, Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski (D-NJ) has vowed to quit drinking.

Notice, however, that he makes no promises about refraining from pissing on any of his constituents in the future. Fucking Democrats.

Changing Of The Guard

Following the most lopsided victory in franchise history, the Jets are surprisingly poised to take sole possession of first place in the AFC East from those cheating pricks up north.

Even more unbelievable is that, in Dustin Keller, the Jets seem to have finally drafted themselves a tight-end who doesn’t suck.

Don’t Ask, We’re Not Telling

In typical fashion, our government is lending our money without disclosing how much nor to whom.

This, of course, begs the question, “Just what the fuck are they hiding?”

A Sign Of Things To Come?

Did anyone happen to notice the winning Evening Pick 3 lottery number in Obama’s home state of Illinois on November 5, the day after the election?

The Wedding Crashers

Let me get this straight, no pun intended. If these protesting homos don’t think they have to abide by the will of the people, who’s to say any of us need to recognize the results of Obama’s election?

Obama Begins Selecting Cabinet Members

Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m not a racist. But this guy sure as hell is.

To The Victor Go The Spoils

How many times do we have to run this experiment before Republican primary voters learn that "moderate," "independent," "maverick" Republicans never win, and right-wing Republicans never lose? Indeed, the only good thing about McCain is that he gave us a genuine conservative, Sarah Palin.

In the spirit of reaching across the aisle, we owe it to the Democrats to show their president the exact same kind of respect and loyalty that they have shown our recent Republican president.

The Continued Flogging Of Dubya

It seems that no matter what Mr. Bush does, he is blamed for everything. He remains despised by the left while continuously disappointing the right.

Yet it should seem obvious that many of our country's current problems either existed long before Mr. Bush ever came to office, or are beyond his control. Perhaps if Americans stopped being so divisive, and congressional leaders came together to work with the president on some of these problems, he would actually have had a fighting chance of solving them.

John McLame

On one hand, I’m relieved that I no longer have to feign a predilection for John McCain’s impotent tomfoolery, for his was the among the worst campaigns I’ve ever witnessed. I’m beginning to suspect that Senator McCain was but a sacrificial lamb, offered up to the Democrats to pay for the perceived sins of Dubya. In the end, he was forced to go through the motions, though he never really stood an honest chance in this latest race for the White House.

And while it’s difficult to be anything short of jubilant over the ascension of a black man into the Oval Office, I’m also quite troubled that 62,443,218 Americans, blinded by their hatred for the world’s bravest leader, ignored some very ugly truths about Barack Obama and his past. Ironically, those around us who have placed the most faith in his erroneous hypocrisy of “change,” more often then not, are those who contribute the least to our society.

Let those fuckers eat cake.

Obama’s Gonna Pay My Bills

Actually, your tax dollars are gonna pay her bills.

She'll Be Rolling Over In Her Grave Soon Enough

Sick of his shit, like every other sensible person in America, Obama's grandmother decided to die today, rather than see that stupid Marxist prick rule over the greatest country in the world.

Farewell, America

No matter who wins tomorrow, America is going to be a different country.

When the sun rises on Wednesday, regardless of who the president-elect is, a more un-United States than has existed since the Civil War will wake to dispute the results of the disgusting campaign that has mercifully come to an end.