Not sure how stupid you really are?  Ask Coach a question and find out!

 

"Coach, how do you interpret Obama receiving an overwhelming 95% of the black vote? Am I wrong, or is racism alive and well in America?"

- Timmy, Fairfield

That’s an interesting hypothesis, Spengler, and at first glance the exit polls certainly seem to have confirmed your suspicions that, perhaps, minorities may have voted solely on the basis of skin color. But after reviewing the voting patterns of past elections, I learned that blacks have voted Democrat by similar margins every election, regardless of that particular ticket’s demographics. So it appears it’s simply the case that 95% of blacks, much like 70% of young people, 56% of women and 45% of white males, are stupid fucking retards. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Hey Coach, what cabinet positions do you think Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright and Jesse Jackson should hold?"

- Allan, Fairfield

Now that the election is over and Obama no longer has to hide his endearing friendships with any of the aforementioned, I envision Ayers will be appointed Secretary Of Bombing Anybody Who Disagrees With Obama’s Stupid Socialist Policies, while the good reverends Wright and Jackson will each be designated Joint Chiefs Of Hating Whitey While Shamelessly Exploiting Black People For Their Own Benefit. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, are you missing the positive side of a Socialist White House? Cucci Sanitation’s season average will improve under this new ‘everyone wins’ world! Hell, you probably don’t even have to play anymore to win games."

- Chris, Fairfield

Good point. I never fully weighed the beneficial application Obama’s Socialist ideals would have on the game of softball. I must say that, now that I think about it, I’m really looking forward to the league forcing Viva Zapata and the Hammerheads to hand over some of the runs they score to us. And, if I understand the ruling correctly, the less runs that we score, the more runs the league will give to us. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, can you explain the team's unhealthy fascination with Eric Estrada?"

- Mark, Manhattan

You got it, Fruity. Most people tend to believe it has something to do with Mr. Estrada and I having similar hairstyles, or that both he and Franchuk share an unbridled passion for disco dancing. In actuality, Eric Estrada and Cucci Sanitation are easily linked through six degrees of separation. You see, Eric Estrada made a name for himself in 'CHiPs', alongside Larry Wilcox. Larry played a part in 'Rich Men, Single Women' with Heather Locklear. Ms. Locklear appeared in 'Rock n' Roll Mom' with Joe Pantoliano who, in turn, was in 'Risky Business' with Tom Cruise. Cruise was one of a handful of stars in 'The Outsiders', along with Ralph Macchio. Interestingly enough, Macchio and Coach grew up across the street from each other on Long Island. All told, Eric Estrada and I are practically brothers. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, can't we at least add a few more Jews to the team?"

- Matthew, Weston

You know, I was thinking the very same thing. That is, until I watched the opening scene of 'Munich'.  Now I'm not so sure.  Unless you guys agree to sit in a separate dugout from the rest of the team, I think we'll have to pass.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Where did you get that fucking picture on your website of that girl's boobs? You are such a pig!"

- Debbie, Westport

I took it while I was interviewing the boys' new babysitter. By the way, she starts Monday. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

 

 

"Coach, you seem like a homophobe. What'll you do if one of your sons is gay?"

- Alan, Westport

I'll drive him over to your house so he can sodomize your fruity little kid.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

 

 

"Coach, is there any truth to the rumor that the team has been using performance enhancement drugs?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

Let me just say that these testicles of mine certainly didn't shrink themselves.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, The Brightfielders are thinking of getting matching hats and socks for our uniforms.  Do you think it'll help our game?"

- Mike, Westport

Well, it certainly couldn't hurt.  In fact, just last year our team invested in some new hats and a couple pairs of socks, instantly propelling us to the top of our game.  Our game with the bitches, that is.  You see, the new hats help us cover up our receding hairlines, so we can lie to chicks and tell them that we're still in college. Then we take the socks, sometimes two, three pairs at a time, and shove them down the font of our pants.  It's only a matter of time before every broad in the joint is gravitating directly towards us.  Next stop, Coach's Love Shack.  And the best part is that, by the time these girls discover that they've wound up in the sack with some middle-aged bald guy and his inadequate penis, it's a little too late.  At that point, the Rohypnol has already started working its magic.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Hey Coach, I know this is a stretch, but do you think it is possible to practice on Thursday, since they are calling for rain on Saturday?"

- Billy, Wilton

Sure thing. The last thing Coach wants is for little Billy to get the sniffles. Anything else we can do for you, Billy? Maybe you'd like to hit off a tee this year? How about some milk and cookies between innings? And what difference does it make when I schedule practice? You never show up anyway. May I make a suggestion? Little Gym in Norwalk offers activity programs in a non-threatening, warm and nurturing environment. Perhaps that's more your speed.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



 

"When is batting practice? Can we go to Super Duper Weenie afterwards?"

- Jaak, Fairfield

Good question. But let's be fair here. Batting practice? Don't you think, in your case, we should call it 'striking out practice'? And, seeing as how you're already the best on the team at striking out, why wait until after practice to go to the weenie stand? I'd appreciate it if you'd go during practice. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, are you a racist? Do you hate Obama because he’s black?"

- Wendy, Queens
No, I hate Obama because he’s an ignorant Socialist who’s out to steal my money and ruin America. I hate Michael Jackson because he’s black. I think. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Dear Coach, I have the same batting average as Giorgio and I don't even play on the team. How is this possible? Are his ‘Feats of Strength’ merely legend?"

- Chris, Fairfield

Oh, his deeds of power and force are real, alright. But understand that he has, however, altered these exhibitions somewhat to better suit his elevating age. These days, rather then his conventional acts of drunken push-ups in the vestibule or crushing objects on his forehead, Giorgio has been focusing more of his energy on nontraditional accomplishments, such as contracting Diverticulitis, coping with erectile dysfunction, passing kidney stones and preventing further hair loss. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, I'm trying to buy a Bar Car t-shirt, but the site is fucked up. What's the deal? Are you too busy to work on the most important website in the world? Where are your priorities?"

- Jeff, Westport

Au contraire, mon ami. While you've been busy not showing up for any of our games, Coach has been tediously safeguarding the site, in the unlikely event that some hybrid-driving homo who works in Stamford attempts to portray himself to the rest of the community as a member of the distinguished Bar Car contingent. I'll let you know how it works out. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, could you please modify your schedule to reflect that Monday is also the Trumbull parade?"

- Josh, Trumbull

Help me out here. Is the Trumbull parade the one in which a group of unwed, overweight Hispanic teenage mothers, accompanied by their equally obnoxious children, prance around in revoltingly revealing clothing and annoy everyone within earshot? Or am i thinking of the Trumbull Mall? Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, does Giorgio work as hard running the bases as he does in the office?"

- Chris, Fairfield

Good question. I'll let you know if he ever gets a hit. Or decides to go to work. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, I've been on the can all day long.  Do you think I have Diverticulitis? Or is it just the keg of beer that Grandchamp and I drank yesterday at the church picnic?"

- Zim, Fairfield

That's odd. I too was drinking from that very same keg, and I can honestly say that I've never felt better. I think it's safe to assume that the reason you and your perforated colon have been spending so much time in the men's room has less to do with mucosal herniations or alcohol intake then it does that silly little game of footsie you learned from Senator Larry Craig on FoxNews. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Just what the fuck were you thinking when you invited your little softball team over to drink beer until four o'clock in the morning?"

- Debbie, Westport

To tell you the truth, I was thinking of what a terrible hostess my wife can be. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Hi Coach. Ever since last Thursday's big win, my husband is insisting that I call him 'Zim' at parties as well as around the house. Any tips on how I can deal with this?"

- Vicki, Fairfield

A good way to handle it would be to wash and vacuum Zim’s car and mow the lawn. If that doesn't do the trick, you can cook Zim his favorite meal and draw Zim a nice, hot bath. Afterwards, you can rub Zim’s back, pour Zim a brandy, and turn on the game so Zim has something to watch while you get to work on 'Little Zim'. Problem solved. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, why do the Yankees suck so bad this year?"

- Mark, Boston
Good question, J.F.Gay. Maybe it’s because the Yankees haven’t decided to cheat (see Patriots, New England). Or perhaps it’s because the Yankees can’t find a former player turned General Manager to participate in the most scandalous “trade” in sporting history, fraudulently handing over an all-star to his alma-mater for absolutely nothing in return (see McHale, Kevin). Or maybe it’s because Yankees fans aren’t so “passionate” that they find it necessary to behave like savages, disgracing both themselves as well as the game (see 1999 ALCS Game 4 in Boston, Massachusetts; October 18, 1976 New England Patriots vs. New York Jets in Foxboro, Massachusetts; and the 1999 Ryder Cup in Brookline, Massachusetts). Or there's always the possibility that the Yankees really don't suck as badly as you think. Maybe, just maybe, it’s simply that as a Red Sox fan, you’ve grown accustomed to the baseball season ending in early July, whereas in reality, the season still has a long way to go and the most storied franchise in all of professional sports, the New York Yankees, are but a few games out. Remember, it ain’t over till it’s over (see Dent, Bucky). Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, can you please get some better base coaches to keep my retarded husband from making those stupid running errors?"

- Lynn, Fairfield

Interesting idea, but I think you'll agree that we'd all be better off if you simply found yourself a smarter man. Did I mention that Coach scored a 1370 on his SATs? Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, how do you manage to keep Herman from banging other guys' chicks?"

- Marcy, New Britain

Take a good look at our chicks.  Who in their right mind would want to bang one of them?  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Hey Coach, where are all the CucciCam pictures?  I need something better to look at then the stats."

- Billy, Weston

I'm glad you asked.  I keep them in a locket that adorns my neck, so I can share them with anyone I meet who hasn't struck out during a slow-pitch softball game.  Enjoy the stats.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Hey Coach, how did Cucci lose that game against Coach's Corner last Thursday when everyone got a hit? Oh, sorry, all of those hits were off somebody's one-hitter before the game. I guess we get more hits off the field than on it."

- Matt, Fairfield

You got that right, Smokey. Puff puff pass. Thanks for writing.

- Coach




"Coach, I know the team cannot afford to pay me a salary for my work as a cameraman. Are there any fringe benefits that could be provided? And can I have a producer's credit as well?"

- Josh, Trumbull
 

You drive a hard bargain, Pinko. From my vantage point, there are an abundance of subtle rewards for your pro bono camera work. First of all, we'll refrain from kicking your ass. Secondly, you get to hang out with the team, sort of like a softball groupie. Our exploits last season were as explosive as a Great White concert. And lastly, you will have access to the most extensive collection of Pabst Blue Ribbon™ this side of Milwaukee. I talked it over with the guys, and we decided we'd also be able to pay you with yarn and thimbles, to put in that fruity little knitting bag you lug around the train. As for recognition and accolades, as long as Coach gets credit for being 'Coach', you can pencil yourself in as anything you'd like. Thanks for writing

- Coach




"Hey Coach, do you look like Britney Spears now with your bald head?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

No, I look like her pussy. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"0 for 4? Could Briody hit a parked car with his bat? You need a few more Putmans, and then you may stand a chance."

- Tom, Redding

Funny, I was wondering that myself. I'll tell you what. After we get off the train tonight, I'll point out your car to Briody and we can find out.  And while a few more Putmans certainly would be nice, what I could really use is one less Tom.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"How was your vacation, Coach?"

- Jaak, Fairfield

Coach's wife wouldn't let him hide his stash in the children's luggage, so it was doomed from the very start. Florida was too warm, and everybody smelled like mothballs and vitamins. We couldn't go in the ocean because of sharks. We couldn't go in the lagoon because of crocodiles. So we were relegated to the pool, which is really just a fancy word for a big puddle of urine. There was a lizard living in our hotel room, a waitress spilled coffee on my son's head, and the only thing on the radio was country music. Everybody looked like Joe Dirt, I ate chicken fried steak with every meal, and I forgot to put sunblock on my infant's head. Twice. All told, my week in Florida was better than Terri Schiavo's.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"I was just wondering if you guys ever thought of not chugging beers before your games, or while you're playing? Maybe, just maybe, you would win a game other than a forfeit. Just a suggestion."

- Debbie, Westport

Of course we've thought of that, Rubber Jugs, but unfortunately we came to discover that without the warm and friendly embrace of alcohol, we really don't like our teammates very much. Not to mention that when we arrived home without our trusty beer goggles, we found our wives to be much less desirable.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, I was going to write something really mean, but you guys are way too nice. Man, I must be going soft. Oh wait, I don't play for Cucci Sanitation. There's the jerk I was looking for! You guys are awesome and you turned a nice night at The Skybox into a great one! Keep coming back! Seriously, I've been working at The Skybox for eight months now and I've learned that there are some real jerks in bars. Well, there are jerks everywhere, but a lot of them go to bars. Your team knows how to have a good time and is always polite, no matter how loud you get. Thursdays aren't always the best night to work, but I've liked them a lot better since the Cucci team started showing up. Thanks!"

- Patrick, Fairfeld

What's your point, Mr. Sparkle? You think you're the first goofy dishwasher to tell Coach how great the team is? I want you and your overenthusiastic punctuation to stay the hell away from us. Here's the deal. You see to it that Coach has a marginally clean glass to drink from every Thursday, and in exchange, I'll try to keep Herman from banging your girl.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Any room for a Hooters® cheerleader?"

- Maggie, Westport

Funny you should ask, Banana Jugs. Why, just this morning I asked myself, 'Coach, how great would it be if you could recruit some pimply floozy from Milford, smelling like chicken wings and fried onions, to come out and cheer on the guys each and every Thursday. That would really boost team morale! Particularly the gay players!' But then I remembered that disturbingly attractive dwarf from the paint department at the Fairfield Home Depot®, envisioning her stubby, hairy arms pumping a set of disproportionate pom-poms above her overstated brow. At that moment I realized that, just this once, Cucci and Hooters don't mix. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, speaking of gay (I keep thinking you are a combination of Billy Martin and Jim Nabors), this Skybox place really sounds lame. Why not get The Zebra Club on board as your sponsor? Just a thought."

- Taylor, Boston

Well gaaahhhhhhleeee, Little Lady, that sure is a pretty name you got there. Let me guess. Your parents ran out of boy names? Do me a favor, you androgynous freak. Leave the thinking to Coach. That way, you can focus more of your energy on going through life as the world's biggest jerk-off. One of the things that made The Skybox so appealing to us was that it, unlike the aforementioned Zebra Club, is actually still in business. The Zebra Club has been closed for the better part of a decade. Perhaps, if you could ever tear yourself away from your kiddie porn collection, you'd know that. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Are we drinking a few Coronas and going to The Skybox after practice tonight?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

Good question, Weezey. If, by 'a few' you mean fifty, and by 'going to The Skybox' you mean stalking Amy The Bartender, then yes, we are drinking a few Coronas and going to The Skybox after practice tonight. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, I noticed that you have a link to The Skybox on your site. Why don't they have a Cucci link on their site?"

- Jim, New Jersey

Good eyes, McGreevey. Frankly, I'm as surprised as you. Not that there's no link on the site, but that some clown from Jersey has the wherewithal to compile not one, but two complete sentences. You think Coach needs one of those freaks who frequent that dump checking out the Cucciball? Before you know it, that chick with the glass eye will be hassling me to post her picture on the CucciCam. Think about that, the next time you're cruising around Bayonne in your Camaro. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Is this what you do at work all day? Why is it that, whenever I call, your secretary always tells me you're too busy to talk?"

- Debbie, Westport

Fair question, Toots. I can appreciate how essential my immediate assistance is every time you're faced with the insurmountable task of choosing curtains for the boys' rooms, or selecting a birthday gift for some kid I've never met, or deciding what to eat for lunch. The sad reality, however, is that, every now and then, Coach has to get some work done to pay off your tabs at Ann Taylor®, Coco Spa, Mimi®, and Banana Republic®. Oh, and don't forget the babysitter, who provides you with a much needed break from having to spend every day at the beach. Or the zoo. Or the park. Please keep that in mind the next time you're not sure as to which sneakers you feel like wearing. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, which player has the best chance of hitting the team's first home run this season?"

- Giorgio, Southport

Great question, Jelly Tits. I have a better chance of seeing Greenhut snacking on a Eucharist while humming Christmas carols, than I do of getting a homerun from one of you sissies. Judging from the way you ladies hit the ball last year, my money's on the drooling kid in the wheelchair.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"In order to be slightly competitive this season, I think it should be stressed that players need to do some conditioning before the season. People need to build arm strength, and practice running the bases to work on speed."

- Jack, Southport

Good thinking, Sissy Boy. Please, refresh my memory. Wasn't it you who pulled a muscle while stretching for a game? Getting conditioning advice from you is like taking swimming lessons from a Sri Lankan tsunami victim. I may be able to help you with your running speed, however. Please show up early for the next practice, and I'll chase you around the parking lot with my car. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"What is the penalty for not having the Cucci patch sewn on your jersey? This is clearly an embarrassment to the team."

- Albert, Westport

Do you honestly believe that not having an emblem properly affixed to one's uniform is more humiliating than our tendency to run, hit, and throw like Richard Simmons? Patches? We don't need no stinkin' patches. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Who is this 'Amy the Bartender'?"

- Debbie, Westport

Good question, Nancy Drew. She's a bartender. Named Amy.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Is there a list available that defines which bats can be used in the league?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

You bet, Isaac.  We pass that list around during the first two innings of each game. Perhaps, if you'd ever show up on time, you'd get a chance to look at it. Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, I was wondering, since it appears you have a lot of free time on your hands, could you put together a list of spouse's and children's names? It would alleviate a lot of uncomfortable moments at the grocery store and soccer practice for we Moms. Thanks!

- Deborah, Westport

Actually, with all the spare time I've got, I often find myself feeling like one of those jobless broads who drives around Westport all day in a pointlessly oversized SUV. You ever get that feeling? Anyway, I talked it over with the guys, and we'd prefer it if you'd stay away from our wives and kids.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach



"Coach, what would be the best way for me to find out if practice is cancelled before I show up?"

- Andrew, Norwalk

Great question, Baloney Neck. I would recommend that, in future instances, you try applying a bit of common sense. The next time a monsoon passes through our area immediately before a scheduled practice, ask yourself, 'Do I play for a water polo team? Is softball traditionally played underwater? Am I amphibious?' If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', then there's a good chance that practice has been cancelled. Thanks for writing.

- Coach