"Hey Coach, after shaving your head to fight children's Cancer, do you look like Britney Spears now with your bald head?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

No, I look like her pussy. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, can't we at least add a few more Jews to the team?"

- Matthew, Weston

You know, I was thinking the very same thing. That is, until I watched the opening scene of 'Munich'.  Now I'm not so sure.  Unless you guys agree to sit in a separate dugout from the rest of the team, I think we'll have to pass.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, The Brightfielders are thinking of getting matching hats and socks for our uniforms.  Do you think it'll help our game?"

- Mike, Westport

Well, it certainly couldn't hurt.  In fact, just last year our team invested in some new hats and a couple pairs of socks, instantly propelling us to the top of our game.  Our game with the bitches, that is.  You see, the new hats help us cover up our receding hairlines, so we can lie to chicks and tell them that we're still in college. Then we take the socks, sometimes two, three pairs at a time, and shove them down the front of our pants.  It's only a matter of time before every broad in the joint is gravitating directly towards us.  Next stop, Coach's Love Shack.  And the best part is that, by the time these girls discover that they've wound up in the sack with some middle-aged bald guy and his inadequate penis, it's a little too late.  At that point, the Rohypnol has already started working its magic.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"In order to be slightly competitive this season, I think it should be stressed that players need to do some conditioning before the season. People need to build arm strength, and practice running the bases to work on speed."

- Jack, Southport

Good thinking, Dandy Boy. Please, refresh my memory. Wasn't it you who pulled a muscle while stretching for a game? Getting conditioning advice from you is like taking swimming lessons from a Sri Lankan tsunami victim. I may be able to help you with your running speed, however. Please show up early for the next practice, and I'll chase you around the parking lot with my car. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Just what the fuck were you thinking when you invited your little softball team over to drink beer until four o'clock in the morning?"

- Debbie, Westport

To tell you the truth, I was thinking of what a terrible hostess my wife can be. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, you seem like a homophobe. What'll you do if one of your sons is gay?"

- Alan, Westport

I'll drive him over to your house so he can sodomize your fruity little kid.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, why is former President Bush in the team photo, but not Mr. Obama?"

- Jeffrey, Westport

Funny you should ask, Twinkle Toes, as I was just now sitting at the foot of my bed, adoringly rummaging through my shoebox of 'Hope and Change' keepsakes, in the hopes of selecting an image that properly captures the true essence of our president's numerous historic accomplishments. I’m having difficulty deciding on which one to use.  Is it that  photograph of his birth in a remote village in Kenya? Or perhaps one of he and his family enjoying a sermon by Reverend Wright, whereby he assails the very nation that afforded them so much prosperity?  Or maybe a picture of Mr. Obama's government-sanctioned seizure of significant portions of our free-market system, showcasing his deficiency of the most basic comprehension of economic principles? My personal favorite is the photo of the president bending me over, with one hand up my ass and the other in my wallet, recklessly disregarding both the Constitution and the future of my children, while unsystematically proving time and again his disquieting shortfall for the office in which he sits. Perhaps, rather than defile our beloved team photo with yet another representation of the most saturated icon in media, I should instead simply add the likenesses of those 52.9% of Americans who were stupid enough to vote for him. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, can you explain the team's unhealthy fascination with Eric Estrada?"

- Mark, Manhattan

You got it, Fruity. Most people tend to believe it has something to do with Mr. Estrada and I having similar hairstyles, or that both he and Franchuk share an unbridled passion for disco dancing. In actuality, Eric Estrada and Cucci Sanitation are easily linked through six degrees of separation. You see, Eric Estrada made a name for himself in 'CHiPs', alongside Larry Wilcox. Larry played a part in 'Rich Men, Single Women' with Heather Locklear. Ms. Locklear appeared in 'Rock n' Roll Mom' with Joe Pantoliano who, in turn, was in 'Risky Business' with Tom Cruise. Cruise was one of a handful of stars in 'The Outsiders', along with Ralph Macchio. Interestingly enough, Macchio and Coach grew up across the street from each other on Long Island. All told, Eric Estrada and I are practically brothers. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"I was just wondering if you guys ever thought of not chugging beers before your games, or while you're playing? Maybe, just maybe, you would win a game other than a forfeit. Just a suggestion."

- Debbie, Westport

Of course we've thought of that, Rubber Jugs, but unfortunately we came to discover that without the warm and friendly embrace of alcohol, we really don't like our teammates very much. Not to mention that when we arrived home without our trusty beer goggles, we found our wives to be much less desirable.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Dear Coach, in every sport I can think of, when a team isn't playing well the first thing they do is fire the coach. Your team has won three games in ten years, but you're still coaching."

- Bob, Westport

I can't argue with the facts, my friend, so I'll try to put things into perspective, in terms that even you can understand. You don't make that much money, your kids look like retards, and from what your wife tells me, you're not exactly getting the job done in the bedroom. But you're still married. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I was wondering, since it appears you have a lot of free time on your hands, could you put together a list of spouse's and children's names? It would alleviate a lot of uncomfortable moments at the grocery store and soccer practice for we Moms. Thanks!

- Deborah, Westport

Actually, with all the spare time I've got, I often find myself feeling like one of those jobless broads who drives around Westport all day in a pointlessly oversized SUV. You ever get that feeling? Anyway, I talked it over with the guys, and we'd prefer it if you'd stay away from our wives and kids.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I noticed that you have a link to The Skybox on your site. Why don't they have a Cucci link on their site?"

- Jim, New Jersey

Good eyes, McGreevey. Frankly, I'm as surprised as you. Not that there's no link on the site, but that some clown from Jersey has the wherewithal to compile not one, but two complete sentences. You think Coach needs one of those freaks who frequent that dump checking out the Cucciball? Before you know it, that chick with the glass eye will be hassling me to post her picture on the CucciCam. Think about that, the next time you're cruising around Bayonne in your Camaro. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Is this what you do at work all day? Why is it that, whenever I call, your secretary always tells me you're too busy to talk?"

- Debbie, Westport

Fair question, Toots. I can appreciate how essential my immediate assistance is every time you're faced with the insurmountable task of choosing curtains for the boys' rooms, or selecting a birthday gift for some kid I've never met, or deciding what to eat for lunch. The sad reality, however, is that, every now and then, Coach has to get some work done to pay off your tabs at Ann Taylor®, Coco Spa, Mimi®, and Banana Republic®. Oh, and don't forget the babysitter, who provides you with a much needed break from having to spend every day at the beach. Or the zoo. Or the park. Please keep that in mind the next time you're not sure as to which sneakers you feel like wearing. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, why aren't girls allowed on the team?"

- Christine, Manhattan

Good question, Sugar Buns. Need I remind you of the celebrated dissertation by one Lawrence Summers, who so poignantly illustrated the overwhelming advantages males have in virtually every aspect of life. Well, softball is certainly no exception. That being said, anyone who pees sitting down, with the exception of Hathaway, is not welcome in our band of brothers. But don't let that dissuade you. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do well. Cooking. Cleaning. Waxing your upper lip. You don't hear Coach complaining about not being invited over your house to help you with the ironing. Likewise, you must understand that the softball diamond is no place for a dame. Unless, of course, you and your friends decide to slip on bikinis and wrestle each other on the pitcher's mound in between innings. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"What is the penalty for not having the Cucci patch sewn on your jersey? This is clearly an embarrassment to the team."

- Albert, Westport

Do you honestly believe that not having an emblem properly affixed to one's uniform is more humiliating than our tendency to run, hit, and throw like Richard Simmons? Patches? We don't need no stinkin' patches. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, is the River House Tavern now off limits to Cucci and its extended family?"

- Matt, Stamford

Do you really think I'd let one little incident on the softball field stop me from enjoying the shittiest, dirtiest seafood restaurant in Westport? Let me know when they open a Red Lobster® in town, and I'll think about it. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Where did you get that fucking picture on your website of that girl's boobs? You are such a pig!"

- Debbie, Westport

- Coach

Hey Coach, ever since my wife participated in chick arm wrestling with your wife she has demanded that I refer to her only as 'The Punisher'. How about posting some porn and even me out?"

- Rick, Greenwich

If memory serves me correctly, 'The Punisher' fell short during her skanky little fifteen minutes of 'Over The Top' fame. It would seem to me as she's the one in real need of an arm regiment. Yet, by providing you with a few doses of my prized pornography, the only biceps that would be seeing any work would be your own. Not to mention that, before long, your penis would be writing me letters complaining about having to call you 'The Punisher'. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, which player has the best chance of hitting the team's first home run this season?"

- Giorgio, Southport

Great question, Jelly Tits. I have a better chance of seeing Greenhut snacking on a Eucharist while humming Christmas carols, than I do of getting a homerun from one of you sissies. Judging from the way you ladies hit the ball last year, my money's on the drooling kid in the wheelchair.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, how can I tryout for the team? Do you do drug testing?"

- Chris, New York

Cura ut valeas, my friend, for making this team is no easy task. Like any vicious street gang, we too have a grueling beat-in ceremony that can break even the most hardened of men. Prospective players are lined up against the backstop while softballs are mercilessly tossed underhand at their heads, in a violent display of dedication and solitude for your Cucci brethren. Candidates should also be able to withstand the sight of Keesser's inappropriate, snug-fitting baseball pants on a weekly basis, and must be willing to massage Kurtz' oversized liver between innings. As for those drug tests, I'll make a deal with you. You bring some drugs by my house, and I'll be happy to test them out for you. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, is it true that nothing cures playoff elimination like a stripper?"

- Bob, Weston

I'm inclined to agree with you, given the events that transpired last week. Now can somebody please tell us what cures syphilis? Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"0 for 4? Could Briody hit a parked car with his bat? You need a few more Putmans, and then you may stand a chance."

- Tom, Redding

Funny, I was wondering that myself. I'll tell you what. After we get off the train tonight, I'll point out your car to Briody and we can find out.  And while a few more Putmans certainly would be nice, what I could really use is one less Tom.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, why don't you post some information about Dallas the bartender on the website, so we can all daydream about where we'd like to be instead of dreary old Westport?"

- Anonymous, Westport

Funny you should mention it, Travis Bickle, as I was just now perusing my own personal 'Dallas The Bartender' file.  It says here that Dallas "is a seductive fake blond, whose shoddy bartending skills are often overlooked by inebriated softball players because of her big, giant, enormous breasts. In her spare time, when she’s not working at the Kicking Horse Grill, Dallas enjoys romantic novels, long walks on the beach, and spending time with her big, giant, enormous breasts.” Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, is there any truth to the rumor that the team has been using performance enhancement drugs?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

Let me just say that these testicles of mine certainly didn't shrink themselves.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I was just looking at the standings. You guys really suck!"

- Tom, Queens

Thanks for noticing, Tommy Boy, but I'm a bit confused. Is Queens where you live, or is that how you and your friends like to dress? You think you and your little pack of fags could do any better? Keep in mind that, while I'm sure you ladies know how to properly grip a bat, you'd have a hard time swinging with those limp little wrists of yours, not to mention trying to run the bases in high heels. Now get back to work before I tell Troetti to fire your pretty little ass. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Hey Coach, I know this is a stretch, but do you think it is possible to practice on Thursday, since they are calling for rain on Saturday?"

- Billy, Wilton

Sure thing. The last thing Coach wants is for little Billy to get the sniffles. Anything else we can do for you, Billy? Maybe you'd like to hit off a tee this year? How about some milk and cookies between innings? And what difference does it make when I schedule practice? You never show up anyway. May I make a suggestion? Little Gym in Norwalk offers activity programs in a non-threatening, warm and nurturing environment. Perhaps that's more your speed.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"When is batting practice? Can we go to Super Duper Weenie afterwards?"

- Jaak, Fairfield

Good question. But let's be fair here. Batting practice? Don't you think, in your case, we should call it 'striking out practice'? And, seeing as how you're already the best on the team at striking out, why wait until after practice to go to the weenie stand? I'd appreciate it if you'd go during practice. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I know I haven't been around, but my back is better. I'm ready to play."

- Andrew, Norwalk

Whoa, easy big fella. You can save the dirty talk for those homosexual chat rooms you like to frequent. That said, I'm not even going to ask you how you hurt your back. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Dear Coach, I have the same batting average as Giorgio and I don't even play on the team. How is this possible? Are his ‘Feats of Strength’ merely legend?"

- Chris, Fairfield

- Coach

"Coach, I'm trying to buy a Bar Car t-shirt, but the site is fucked up. What's the deal? Are you too busy to work on the most important website in the world? Where are your priorities?"

- Jeff, Westport

- Coach

"Coach, could you please modify your schedule to reflect that Monday is also the Trumbull parade?"

- Josh, Trumbull

- Coach

"Coach, does Giorgio work as hard running the bases as he does in the office?"

- Chris, Fairfield

Good question. I'll let you know if he ever gets a hit. Or decides to go to work. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I've been on the can all day long.  Do you think I have Diverticulitis? Or is it just the keg of beer that Grandchamp and I drank yesterday at the church picnic?"

- Zim, Fairfield

That's odd. I too was drinking from that very same keg, and I can honestly say that I've never felt better. I think it's safe to assume that the reason you and your perforated colon have been spending so much time in the men's room has less to do with mucosal herniations or alcohol intake then it does that silly little game of footsie you learned from Senator Larry Craig on Fox News. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Hi Coach. Ever since last Thursday's big win, my husband is insisting that I call him 'Zim' at parties as well as around the house. Any tips on how I can deal with this?"

- Vicki, Fairfield

A good way to handle it would be to wash and vacuum Zim’s car and mow the lawn. If that doesn't do the trick, you can cook Zim his favorite meal and draw Zim a nice, hot bath. Afterwards, you can rub Zim’s back, pour Zim a brandy, and turn on the game so Zim has something to watch while you get to work on 'Little Zim'. Problem solved. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Hey Coach, when are you going to put the new guys on the bus? Spider has been playing for a year and he's still not on it."

- Herman, Bridgeport

Easy, Rosa Parks, let's not get carried away over one measly little civil rights victory. You just worry about trying to leg it out to second base when you hit a triple, and I'll decide when and where folks can sit on our beloved bus. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, why do the Yankees suck so bad this year?"

- Mark, Boston

- Coach

"Coach, can you please get some better base coaches to keep my retarded husband from making those stupid running errors?"

- Lynn, Fairfield

Interesting idea, but I think you'll agree that we'd all be better off if you simply found yourself a smarter man. Did I mention that Coach scored a 1370 on his SATs? Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, how do you manage to keep Herman from banging other guys' chicks?"

- Marcy, New Britain

Take a good look at our chicks.  Who in their right mind would want to bang one of them?  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Hey Coach, what happened to all those photos of naked chicks you took with your iPhone?  I need something better to look at then the stats."

- Billy, Weston

I'm glad you asked.  I keep them in a locket that adorns my neck, so I can share them with anyone I meet who hasn't struck out during a slow-pitch softball game.  Enjoy the stats.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Hey Coach, how did Cucci lose that game against Coach's Corner last Thursday when everyone got a hit? Oh, sorry, all of those hits were off somebody's one-hitter before the game. I guess we get more hits off the field than on it."

- Matt, Fairfield

- Coach

"Coach, I know the team cannot afford to pay me a salary for my work as a cameraman. Are there any fringe benefits that could be provided? And can I have a producer's credit as well?"

- Josh, Trumbull

- Coach

"How was your vacation, Coach?"

- Jaak, Fairfield

Coach's wife wouldn't let him hide his stash in the children's luggage, so it was doomed from the very start. Florida was too warm, and everybody smelled like mothballs and vitamins. We couldn't go in the ocean because of sharks. We couldn't go in the lagoon because of crocodiles. So we were relegated to the pool, which is really just a fancy word for a big puddle of urine. There was a lizard living in our hotel room, a waitress spilled coffee on my son's head, and the only thing on the radio was country music. Everybody looked like Joe Dirt, I ate chicken fried steak with every meal, and I forgot to put sunblock on my infant's head. Twice. All told, my week in Florida was better than Terri Schiavo's.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, I was going to write something really mean, but you guys are way too nice. Man, I must be going soft. Oh wait, I don't play for Cucci Sanitation. There's the jerk I was looking for! You guys are awesome and you turned a nice night at The Skybox into a great one! Keep coming back! Seriously, I've been working at The Skybox for eight months now and I've learned that there are some real jerks in bars. Well, there are jerks everywhere, but a lot of them go to bars. Your team knows how to have a good time and is always polite, no matter how loud you get. Thursdays aren't always the best night to work, but I've liked them a lot better since the Cucci team started showing up. Thanks!"

- Patrick, Fairfeld

What's your point, Mr. Sparkle? You think you're the first goofy dishwasher to tell Coach how great the team is? I want you and your overenthusiastic punctuation to stay the hell away from us. Here's the deal. You see to it that Coach has a marginally clean glass to drink from every Thursday, and in exchange, I'll try to keep Herman from banging your girl.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Any room for a Hooters® cheerleader?"

- Maggie, Westport

Funny you should ask, Banana Jugs. Why, just this morning I asked myself, 'Coach, how great would it be if you could recruit some pimply floozy from Milford, smelling like chicken wings and fried onions, to come out and cheer on the guys each and every Thursday. That would really boost team morale! Particularly the gay players!' But then I remembered that disturbingly attractive dwarf from the paint department at the Fairfield Home Depot®, envisioning her stubby, hairy arms pumping a set of disproportionate pom-poms above her overstated brow. At that moment I realized that, just this once, Cucci and Hooters don't mix. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, speaking of gay (I keep thinking you are a combination of Billy Martin and Jim Nabors), this Skybox place really sounds lame. Why not get The Zebra Club on board as your sponsor? Just a thought."

- Taylor, Boston

Well gaaahhhhhhleeee, Little Lady, that sure is a pretty name you got there. Let me guess. Your parents ran out of boy names? Do me a favor, you androgynous freak. Leave the thinking to Coach. That way, you can focus more of your energy on going through life as the world's biggest jerk-off. One of the things that made The Skybox so appealing to us was that it, unlike the aforementioned Zebra Club, is actually still in business. The Zebra Club has been closed for the better part of a decade. Perhaps, if you could ever tear yourself away from your kiddie porn collection, you'd know that. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Are we drinking a few Coronas and going to The Skybox after practice tonight?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

Good question, Weezey. If, by 'a few' you mean fifty, and by 'going to The Skybox' you mean stalking Amy The Bartender, then yes, we are drinking a few Coronas and going to The Skybox after practice tonight. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Who is this 'Amy the Bartender'?"

- Debbie, Westport

Good question, Nancy Drew. She's a bartender. Named Amy.  Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Is there a list available that defines which bats can be used in the league?"

- Herman, Bridgeport

You bet, Isaac.  We pass that list around during the first two innings of each game. Perhaps, if you'd ever show up on time, you'd get a chance to look at it. Thanks for writing.

- Coach

"Coach, what would be the best way for me to find out if practice is cancelled before I show up?"

- Andrew, Norwalk

Great question, Baloney Neck. I would recommend that, in future instances, you try applying a bit of common sense. The next time a monsoon passes through our area immediately before a scheduled practice, ask yourself, 'Do I play for a water polo team? Is softball traditionally played underwater? Am I amphibious?' If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', then there's a good chance that practice has been cancelled. Thanks for writing.

- Coach